Tuesday, February 5, 2013

failure

 Ty is screaming. Demanding my complete attention. He has a poopy bum and has spilled cereal all over the floor. Ember is fussing. Hungry, tired, mad, wants to be picked up...I am not sure. I look around and the house is a mess. Dishes in the sink and gold fish crumbs pressed into the carpet. Spit up in my hair and chocolate finger prints on my white shirt.

In a moment of weakness. My knees give out and I collapse to the floor. I sit there and start to bawl. I pressed my hands over my face and wonder why God ever trusted me with his sweet spirits. I felt as if I was a complete failure as a mother.

Tears continue to run down my face for a few minutes. Thoughts of failure and disappointment overwhelm me. It was not suppose to be this hard. 

I love my kids. More than I could have ever imagined. So why was I failing? Why couldn't I make it through this day, this moment.

I continue sitting there. My thoughts consuming me and the world becoming fuzzy. Now with my thoughts so powerful the sound of screaming children becomes faint background noise. 

I wish there was an answer. 
I wish somehow my children could be happy every moment. I feel that is what they deserve.  
but that is not real life.


All I could do is pray. 
I prayed not to have life be perfect. 

but just for strength.
Strength to get up from the floor and be able to take care of 
those children I love so dearly. 
I prayed that they could know my love for them and that I was trying the best I could.

Motherhood is not easy. 

Just because you love your kids does not mean that taking care of them will be pure sunshine. 

I truly feel that God does not give us more than we can handle. 
Being a mommy must have hard times to make the good times great. 

I wish I could report that the rest of the day has been easy.
It has not.

I want to cry
but I will just continue to try my best. 

That is all we can do. 

Tomorrow will be a new day and I will try my best again. 


6 comments:

  1. Your babes are so lucky to have you. Praying that the Lord gives you strength to keep going. This momma stuff is hard.

    Hugs!

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  2. Yup, this is the roller coaster road of mamahood isn't it? The dips of our utter weakness, the heights of His unfathomable grace. One day, one moment.. at a time. Thanks for sharing it from your heart and keeping it real here Ash. Big hugs your way!
    xx
    mel
    needle and nest

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  3. Hi, Great post. I found you through thebloghop .Now following you.Please stop by and say hi when you get a chance.
    Be sure and check out my new Blog Hop that we just started, It's Weekly Goals Link Up. It's a great way to stay on track. Have a great day. :) Here's the link in case you want to check it out.
    http://lenettacarnes.blogspot.com/2013/02/weekly-goals-5.html Thanks again
    Lenetta

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  4. Oh bless you. I think we ALL get days like this, I know I do. It's a tough job sometimes.
    In fact I wrote about feeling a complete failure months back, I think sometimes we just expect too much of ourselves.
    Have a read if you fancy... http://www.dearbeautifulboy.com/2012/07/failing-superhero.html

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  5. I have been right there with you many times. Some days it just seems so much harder than others. And although we love our kids more than life itself sometimes it can be so overwhelming. Of course it is always worth it it is definitely not easy! Hang in there!

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  6. Hi Ashley,something my mum told me which has stuck and helped me through soem tiring times as a new mum is "And this stage too shall pass". And it does and it passes so quickly and then I miss it even though I hated it at the time!

    I have read your post from today as well and they are all great small steps that will make a big difference. You sound like a great mum! x Tash www.littleladybird.com.au

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thanks for putting a smile on my face today with your comment:)